In my early days of my education in Paganism and Wicca, I was told that in order to know your Light side, you have to know your Dark side. At the time, I resisted, thinking that the Dark side was not good and spreading negativity. And so I held off. Over the last couple of years, and especially in recent months, events have taken place that have shown me otherwise.
I have not been shy about speaking against negative energy where I believed I saw it and heard it and felt it. In exploring a bit deeper into my responses, I realized that I was still responding very personally to any criticism of anyone else. What I had been thinking was ‘What did they do to you?” I realized was very much “What did I do to you?”. This response is very much connected to my abusive childhood…of course, it does. And it was time to really delve into it
And so…in the weeks beginning with the end of the semester and the beginning of the Yule and Christmas holidays, I went in. I delved. It involved a lot of darkness….a lot of anger, a lot of pain, and a fair bit of vodka. I spent a lot of time angry with people who are dearly important to me…something that is not easy to do, and also showed me a lot. It showed me that being angry at them was misdirected feeling, and that I would benefit from going a tad deeper into that feeling to see what was there.
What was there was that ever present and DEEPLY invasive feeling of being left out. Of not belonging. Of not being included. Not wanted. That’s where it went. That’s where it goes with me. And of course it would, given my childhood experiences. The more I saw on Facebook all the fun my friends were having….without me…..I felt it was a conscious choice on their part to not invite or include me. Never mind that they are mostly very many miles away from me!
Now….this is the core of my Darkness. Feeling not included. Not welcome. Not belonging. This is my Darkness. I know this now, and I can take steps to address it. One very important step is acknowledging it. Admitting it is there. Seeing it and feeling it. The next is to understand that it is not true.
This is a bitch, my friends. Especially after so many years of this program running behind the scenes and yet orchestrating so much of what I have done and decided and chosen and acted upon for decades. And yet, I claim it. I embrace it. It is me. It teaches me. It teaches others if I share it. It informs me, and helps steer me. And when it does, I can go to my Light and do well and good….for myself and for others.
And so I feel like I have come closer to balancing my Light and my Dark. My Dark side doesn’t scare me like it used to. It is part of me…and that’s ok. I am finally grateful for understanding this part of me, and that I may again on occasion need to go there intensely again. But only if necessary.
When thinking of this post….and I have for a long while now….this title is the only one that keeps coming up. It’s a great song…and a wonderful title for this. Oh Darkness….my oldest friend….hello, and I will talk with you again.
Love and Light, everyone.