For the first time in a while, I was just watching an old episode of “Bewitched” on TV. I remember watching it incessantly as a kid, and loving it all. My favorite character – aside from Samantha, of course – was always Aunt Clara. Such lovely comedy from a classic aging actress! And as I watched while I was making dinner this evening, I remembered all of the warm fuzzy feelings that it brought back. And so very often, those warm fuzzies tend to make me feel like I was back at that time, remembering the coziness of watching the show, and the comfortable feeling of wanting to live in that house and even enjoy the fun and advantages of the magical powers.
As I felt around in these emotions, I realized something of interest. Based on much of my childhood experiences, and my methods back then of surviving those experiences, I realized just what those fuzzy memories represent. In those emotions, I came to understand that the reasons for enjoying that show and others, and the desire to disappear in those worlds and homes, really was one way of detaching from the pains and fears of the abusive experiences and holding them all inside. Now, here’s the thing…when I watch now, and remember those fuzzies, I now understand that those feelings that tend to be generated are that residual desire to disappear. To move into those worlds and homes, and feel safer and comforted and happier. What they are are largely a pull to return back to that mind-set. To the pain and fear and anger that caused me to want to morph into those worlds.
Can you see my point? The warm fuzzies are not necessarily an elevated thing. They are not necessarily happy thoughts. They mask residual sadness….feelings that still tend to remain within out of habit. It’s what I’m used to, and therefore, it is comfortable. Moving into the lack of these feelings – happier places – is what is new and strange and unfamiliar, and therefore inherently not comfortable.
To my mind, this entry is not sad or painful. Indeed, it is uplifting in the fact that I understand this now…that it has been revealed to me. If you read my last entry, you are aware of a tremendous healing that recently took place with me. I believe that healing has caused me to see this in another way, with deeper awareness and understanding. And so I am grateful to have this new knowledge, and to share it in here. I hope this finds it’s way to a hurting heart or soul and can be at least a part of a healing for that heart/soul.