I find myself back to the same healing that needs to happen that I have not yet allowed. Curing the loneliness. It remains pervasive, invasive, and painful. And it seems like most of what I really do over and over again is keep putting bandages over the wound. And then I yank the bandage off the wound before it is healed, and it stings like hell. Likely I do it too soon because the ache is not going away. Or because some part of me realizes that this wound is one of the most familiar things in this lifetime to me. Because a new place where I don’t have to feel this way is very unfamiliar and therefore scary. Man, this sounds so cliche.
As I write this, I am aware of two favorite bandages over the years. One is alcohol, and guess what? Doesn’t work. Another one is quite interesting. It is working to find things to replace the painful ones. I feel like when I do that, at least at this stage that I’ve been stuck in for a while, I am not allowing the medicine to work, the air to ease and dry the wound. I’m delving into other activities that are only aggravating the wound that still exists….sometimes picking at it with a sharp object. But it is not letting it heal first before moving forward with whatever is actually meant for me. Distracting myself from these feelings of loneliness doesn’t seem to work, because I feel like it is still there beneath the surface, being ignored. Being ignored is very lonely. Getting out there and trying to get used to doing things by and with myself doesn’t work because at some point or another, I realize that I am doing these things alone. That I have no one to share those moments with except telling folks about it later….but so much means ‘you had to be there’. It ends up feeling empty at some point.
Recently, I have been allowing myself to become aware of something interesting. As I have become aware of my personal deity, my guides, even the archangels, I have actually begun to feel their presence fairly often. And in those times, I know that I am not sitting or lying here alone. And yet…I feel lonely. Like I need to have only the physicals around to feel less lonely. Then after a while being with the physicals, I feel a need to get apart from them and come home. And then I feel alone. When the non-physicals are around, I know I am not alone…and yet it doesn’t feel satisfying enough. Such is the depth of this wound.
So now I need to focus very intently on no diversions, no bandages. On allowing my non-physicals to show me, to help me understand, to guide me to allowing the wound to breathe, to heal, to come into my own toward my highest good. I feel that as this happens, I can move into closer relationship to my non-physicals, to understand those relationships better, and to more intently (intensely?) begin to fulfill my goals and purpose here in this lifetime, for myself and for others as well. In this full moon cycle, I have begun to ask Diana, the archangels, and the guides, teachers, loved ones, ascended masters, and ancestors, to guide me and love me in this direction.
The wound will be healed, and the pain will end.