I had a great talk with a good friend yesterday. And it really helped me see another perspective to the things I talked about in my last post. It’s not about the falling….it’s about the result of the fall.
And it made a lot of sense as we talked about it. I thought about my mom’s fall as we talked. And I was able to relate with the idea that I don’t remember the falling itself as much as I do the result….her on the ground repeating “Ow…ow….ow…ow….”, and me feeling completely helpless to help her. I couldn’t keep her from feeling pain. I couldn’t help her from feeling scared. I couldn’t help her UP, for Goddess sake.
I could do what she wanted me to….to get the cake for the party. To get home to the girls. To get things running there for the party, greet the guests, set out the food, explain things to the girls, etc. That is something I am always prepared to do. Even when I go to events where I know next to no one, I am happier and more comfortable working the party with the prep and food and such. I am a server. I am a comforter. I am support. And yet, I don’t often seek or receive support for myself.
Anyway, back to my point. Here are the people that I feel the most fear about seeing them fall….my mother, my friend Lynn, my father, my step-mom’s father, my aunt. Now, to be fair, these are all people who are either at an age or at a physical situation wherein it would be harder – in my perspective – to help or to comfort or to prevent. To prevent. My sisters….most of my friends…not such a worry. Myself….yes.
What I was shown yesterday is that it is not the falling itself that is frightening to me….when one is falling, there is nothing to be done, and it happens in a quick moment. When the falling person is landed…that’s when the response starts. When Lynn fell on Christmas night at the movies, I jumped into support mode. With the help of a wonderful staff of that theater, we got her up, got her water, and got her EMTs. Now, with Lynn, we have a history of medical-based situations. So I am used to how to help her. But her physical is in many ways stronger than my mother’s. So with my mother, I knew what was not possible, and so I felt much more helpless. (Again, thank the Universe for the angels that were there for us.)
With Lynn, as a result of her fall, I knew she would be in pain and in limitation for a time…even a bit of surgery. When Mom fell, she was in pain and on the ground, and I could do very little. Regarding the horrors I spoke of in my previous post, it has been not about my mother sliding down the stairs….we’re talking about a header here….loss of balance and going head-first down the stairs. Now….imagine the results of that. If you can do that, you can understand some of my horror.
However….it goes beyond that. This is really about the result. Would she be more incapacitated? Would she be ‘gone’?
Now many of you who read these posts know that I believe as much as I am sitting here typing that everything happens for a reason, and that when people pass on, that is their soul’s chosen exit point, and not much would have changed that…and even THAT is for a reason here. And I understand that about my parents and loved ones. And yet, there is this fear. What is it about? A few things that I have not noticed enough until now.
An inability to help. To make things better. To avoid ‘bad’ things. And ultimately, to avoid the fact that these people that I love so dearly will leave this physical at some time.
That is so much of the point of this issue with me. SOMEthing will cause the exit time for these people that apparently, as I have been finding recently, I love FIERCELY. And so much of what I need to look into now is that fear of them leaving, and what that is all about. Also the idea that I can control anything. I thought I had dealt with a lot of that kind of thing….apparently, there are deeper levels of it. And ultimately….all of this fear of them leaving, and wanting to control things to help them…..all of this ends up with one thing. I love them.
I LOVE them. That love is intense, furious, owning, and mysterious. And yet, it is very strong. And I really can appreciate that. I have said for a while now that when people transition, it is not a broken heart, it is a heart swelling with the love that we feel for that person. This is what I feel is happening with me with regard to people who are still in the physical. So basically, they are teaching me about love and loving.
Apparently, love and loving is more intense…or differently intense….than I have understood. And with that understanding, I further accept a recent nickname ‘blubberbutt’….I don’t mind at all experiencing and showing the love that I have for people. Even people I don’t know personally. There is so much beauty in this world, and so much of that beauty I am blessed to experience emotionally as well as with the physical senses.
And so….from now on, when I feel the fear of someone I love falling and hurting themselves – or passing from it – I will focus more on the idea that I love them that much. And that is a beautiful thing.
(this may well be a weird concept to many, so fell free to respond to this and even as questions. I will be happy to respond to them. Love and Light!)