It’s not about the falling….

I had a great talk with a good friend yesterday. And it really helped me see another perspective to the things I talked about in my last post. It’s not about the falling….it’s about the result of the fall.

And it made a lot of sense as we talked about it. I thought about my mom’s fall as we talked. And I was able to relate with the idea that I don’t remember the falling itself as much as I do the result….her on the ground repeating “Ow…ow….ow…ow….”, and me feeling completely helpless to help her. I couldn’t keep her from feeling pain. I couldn’t help her from feeling scared. I couldn’t help her UP, for Goddess sake. 

I could do what she wanted me to….to get the cake for the party. To get home to the girls. To get things running there for the party, greet the guests, set out the food, explain things to the girls, etc. That is something I am always prepared to do. Even when I go to events where I know next to no one, I am happier and more comfortable working the party with the prep and food and such. I am a server. I am a comforter. I am support. And yet, I don’t often seek or receive support for myself.

Anyway, back to my point. Here are the people that I feel the most fear about seeing them fall….my mother, my friend Lynn, my father, my step-mom’s father, my aunt. Now, to be fair, these are all people who are either at an age or at a physical situation wherein it would be harder – in my perspective – to help or to comfort or to prevent. To prevent. My sisters….most of my friends…not such a worry. Myself….yes. 

What I was shown yesterday is that it is not the falling itself that is frightening to me….when one is falling, there is nothing to be done, and it happens in a quick moment. When the falling person is landed…that’s when the response starts. When Lynn fell on Christmas night at the movies, I jumped into support mode. With the help of a wonderful staff of that theater, we got her up, got her water, and got her EMTs. Now, with Lynn, we have a history of medical-based situations. So I am used to how to help her. But her physical is in many ways stronger than my mother’s. So with my mother, I knew what was not possible, and so I felt much more helpless. (Again, thank the Universe for the angels that were there for us.) 

With Lynn, as a result of her fall, I knew she would be in pain and in limitation for a time…even a bit of surgery. When Mom fell, she was in pain and on the ground, and I could do very little. Regarding the horrors I spoke of in my previous post, it has been not about my mother sliding down the stairs….we’re talking about a header here….loss of balance and going head-first down the stairs. Now….imagine the results of that. If you can do that, you can understand some of my horror.

However….it goes beyond that. This is really about the result. Would she be more incapacitated? Would she be ‘gone’?

Now many of you who read these posts know that I believe as much as I am sitting here typing that everything happens for a reason, and that when people pass on, that is their soul’s chosen exit point, and not much would have changed that…and even THAT is for a reason here. And I understand that about my parents and loved ones. And yet, there is this fear. What is it about? A few things that I have not noticed enough until now. 

An inability to help. To make things better. To avoid ‘bad’ things. And ultimately, to avoid the fact that these people that I love so dearly will leave this physical at some time. 

Ouch.

That is so much of the point of this issue with me. SOMEthing will cause the exit time for these people that apparently, as I have been finding recently, I love FIERCELY. And so much of what I need to look into now is that fear of them leaving, and what that is all about. Also the idea that I can control anything. I thought I had dealt with a lot of that kind of thing….apparently, there are deeper levels of it. And ultimately….all of this fear of them leaving, and wanting to control things to help them…..all of this ends up with one thing. I love them. 

I LOVE them. That love is intense, furious, owning, and mysterious. And yet, it is very strong. And I really can appreciate that. I have said for a while now that when people transition, it is not a broken heart, it is a heart swelling with the love that we feel for that person. This is what I feel is happening with me with regard to people who are still in the physical. So basically, they are teaching me about love and loving. 

Apparently, love and loving is more intense…or differently intense….than I have understood. And with that understanding, I further accept a recent nickname ‘blubberbutt’….I don’t mind at all experiencing and showing the love that I have for people. Even people I don’t know personally. There is so much beauty in this world, and so much of that beauty I am blessed to experience emotionally as well as with the physical senses. 

And so….from now on, when I feel the fear of someone I love falling and hurting themselves – or passing from it – I will focus more on the idea that I love them that much. And that is a beautiful thing. 

(this may well be a weird concept to many, so fell free to respond to this and even as questions. I will be happy to respond to them. Love and Light!)

My mom fell down…..

I just spent another amazing weekend with my family of origin. It was also speckled with mini-dramas that, cumulatively, were draining to a few of us. We were celebrating the 8th grade graduation of my niece. The original plans ended up being pared down due to one or two of these aforementioned minis…..and then there was the question(s) of who was coming and who was not, and why. Funds were a strain, but it was being worked out, one way or another. Enough of these minis touched my niece enough to cause a decent degree of disappointment, which really pretty much sucks because she is an awesome young woman who is literally intelligent beyond her age group, yet still works very hard. She also has a most amazing and sharp sense of humor. But again, things were smoothing and aligning as they were meant to, and the day arrived.

The morning of the party, my mom and I went to pick up the cake. That’s all….just pick up the cake…the last piece to be done. And then, in the parking lot of the mini strip mall where the bakery is, my mom fell down. My mom is 74. She has some degree of osteoporosis. She has a fair amount of typical physical challenges of a woman her age…and yet, she rocks. Whatever this means, she does not look her age. Her health has been improving amazingly in the last year. She is going to Ireland this fall. (And I couldn’t BE more THRILLED!!) And yet, with the physical challenges, and the osteo….one simple mis-step brought her to the ground in front of me. And yet, in spite of those challenges, nothing was broken or sprained. She has pretty colors here and there, and a fair amount of discomfort….but that’s all. And yet, I was horrified.

For some reason, I have had a really heavy terror of her falling. Of seeing her fall. Every time I visit, and she goes up those stairs to her room, my heart is in my throat. And each time she arrives up to her room, I have to physically shake off the fear. I have imaginations of her falling in almost any given situation possible except when she is seated. I assist her on the TWO stairs out the back door to the garage. I have wanted to follow her up those damned stairs at night, and down them in the morning….even thought she has been navigating them for 7 years with no problem. 

I have only seen my mother fall once, and that was long ago. And even then, I remember feeling terrified. I have never seen my father fall down. Not that I remember. I have never seen my aunt fall down, even though there has been so much reason to fear that with her. I HAVE seen my elderly grandmother fall down. Or really, the aftermath. I remember one clearly…the other, my father just reminded me of yesterday, and I have no memory of whatsoever. I’m sure I blocked it out. Seeing my grandmother crying with a bloody towel held to her head made my blood run icy, and I don’t remember running that fast down the stairs to get my father. 

Back to yesterday…..after all my terrors, there was my mother, laying on the concrete ground. She rolled partway over, as she is not physically able to lay flat on her back, and repeated over again “Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow……”. I had seen her left temple connect with the pavement. I saw her holding her left hand to her chest. I knew she would not sit up and I could and would not try to help her to do so. She was awake and alert, but in pain and shock. Not the physical, dangerous shock….the normal shock of such a physical event. A handful of beautiful angels in human form arrived immediately and helped so beautifully, and called an ambulance. And the feeling of helplessness is still cutting me as I write this. Not to mention the fulfillment of so many terrors. 

The night before this event….and pretty much ever since….I have been plagued with mental images of her falling. For years, I have suffered fears of my step-mom’s 93 year old father falling. Of my father falling down. Of my friend Lynn falling down again as she did on Christmas night of 2012. And I am still feeling fairly overwhelmed by these terrors. I know I have my own fears of falling. But what does that have to do with other people falling down? Is there a connection? There is clearly something that needs to be healed.

I know that I cannot and will not spend the rest of my life…..or the lives of those I love so much,…..living with this terror. (I did finally allow myself to follow closely behind Mom on her way up the stairs the night of the fall….and down again the next morning.) I need to get into the cause and root of this fear that is so very terrifying, and find out how to heal it. I’m serious….I actually see in my mind’s eye these lovely people going over….landing at the bottom of the stairs, hitting heads on furniture, and so on. And I refuse to allow these kinds of thoughts to even potentially manifest into reality ANY of them. I understand that things happen for a reason, and that things will happen they way they are meant. I even told my mom this morning that she is teaching me something that I’m not clear on yet. Of course, being her, she said “What, how to fall?! I could have taught you that without the demonstration!”…and we laughed together through a few tears. 

One thing is clear, and I have shared this before in previous blog posts. I always seek and mostly find the beauty and love in any situation. Many beautiful lessons came out of this weekend for many people. And the tears that are still showing up about my mom falling down is SO much about how much I love her, and honor her. And want to protect her. 

(Protect her?……………………..)

So….next step is to really look into the root of this fear and release it. I hope once and for all. Only then can I be the most up, confident, and supportive. And that is helpful to those I love, and to myself. 

(As always, please feel free to respond to this however you may….I really appreciate the feedback. )

My Masculine

 

So I have been having a weird and interesting feeling ever since the weekend with the guys. I have not been able to figure it out until this evening while talking to my friend Lynn, and texting a bit with my friend Chelsey. 

I have been feeling a rawness since the weekend. A conflicted feeling. And I haven’t understood why, or what it is about. I have been reacting strangely to posts online from my Temple mates…mostly the women. I have felt somewhat of a pulling back on my part when I read what they are doing and their responses to events, classes, etc. I think….I think….that part of that has to do with a sense of having hoped for more of a reception regarding the guys finally getting together. What does ‘more’ mean? I don’t know. But I can tell you know that I believe it to have been a symptom. 

Here’s what I have come to so far….and I really hope to hear from folks about this. Many of you know that I was raised around many women and girls and feminine energy. I spoke of it in my previous post of the other evening. I’m very grateful for that upbringing, and the sensitivity and insight it has left me. And I have always been in touch with that feminine side of me…again, mentioned in the previous entry. After talking a little more about it today, what has come to me is an awareness during the weekend (maybe I should start capitalizing that) of some knee-jerk reactions to things that were said….and things that I said. Nothing bad at all! But I felt a sense of ‘oh, I shouldn’t have said that’…or ‘oh, that’s not right’. Now, for this weekend, I chose to keep myself open to whatever might happen, whatever part of myself wanted to be unblocked…unguarded. I believe I achieved that. 

I have a huge respect for women. Partly because of growing up in the 60s and 70s, there was never any doubt in my mind that women could do whatever they chose to do. Who was I to say they couldn’t? I think I also grew up with a different set of ‘rules’, if you will. The simplest ones are fairly commonly known….leave the toilet seat down when you’re done….don’t go into the purse….things like that. Also, there are things that you can say and things that you can talk about, and then there are those you can not. There is language you can use, and that which is not appropriate. That’s all fine, and I got that good and clear, and I have had no problem with it. 

I’m not so sure that being a boy was addressed as well. Now, I want to say this first before I continue….this is NOT any indictment of any of my upbringing as anything planned. I don’t blame anyone So please be aware of that. Now, growing up, I was around my mother, my aunt, my grandmothers, and my sisters. My father worked a lot, and was often not available much before bedtime. Also…remember, I was already experiencing abuse that early, so the walls were up already. (A reminder….not from anyone in my immediate family.) So I was learning all the feminine sensitivities…but not really exploring much of the masculine. My father liked to go out in the yard or the front and play baseball catch. I was never too interested in that….maybe more in the time with him. He took me fishing on occasion. Not for me. We didn’t talk much, though. That is more to do with his history, and my abuse walls….not because he was a bad father. He was not. And into all of this, let’s remember….I knew I was gay. That was a huge secret. Another wall. Another barrier. 

So then….and I’m still not quite sure yet what this means….but I have never really explored my masculine. I understand men in terms of either their physical and what I wish to do with them…or have done. I have understood men who have been so much smarter than me….so much more wisdom. And I have appreciated the conversations with those men. But what is it to be a man? to be male? I really don’t like expressions like ‘be a man’ or ‘man up’ or such…even ‘little man’ arches my eyebrow. Many of those stereotypes are lost on me….I don’t even agree with many of them. I think it’s partly because of being gay. I think it’s also partly due to my upbringing. And partly because they are just inaccurate. When I have heard a sister and her husband say things to their 8 year old son like ‘…crying like a girl…’, the hackles rise. He’s EIGHT, for Lord and Lady’s sake! Let him be. What I mean to speak of here is the pressures on both sides…both genders….regarding what it ‘means’ to be male or female. Society imposes these strongly, and because of such, I think it is harder for people to be in touch with both sides of themselves. 

So I spent time with two cool guys last weekend….both straight, both half my age. We were on retreat, and we talked a LOT. About a lot of things. And as I said earlier, I was keeping myself open to whatever might happen, One thing that seems to have happened is that many of the afore-mentioned knee-jerk reactions were met with ‘No…it’s ok here. I can say this. We can say this. It is ok.”…withing myself. There was a relaxing. A touch of wonder that it really was ok in that place with those people. It was somewhat freeing…and as it appears, somewhat scary. Gay or straight had nothing whatsoever to do with it. It was a few guys hanging out. As an adult, I can’t remember the last time I had this experience this way. And the wisdom these guys have is really remarkable, and I’m grateful for it. 

This evening, when I was texting a bit with my friend Chelsey, I mentioned that I was feeling a bit of a lump in my throat. And for the first time in a long time, a part of me thought “oh, come on, now! Really? Again?’…and the like. I became aware of similar struggles since The Weekend. (There…I did it.) Now….no one at my Temple and at my kindred family have ever shown me that there was anything wrong with showing my emotions. It is well known that I do. Since The Weekend, I have suddenly felt shy and silly about that. I didn’t know why until this evening in talking with Lynn and Chelsey. For whatever reason, and through no fault of anyone else, I was taught that this was not right. Not appropriate. Now, my feminine side says that it is absolutely alright. Apparently, what my masculine understands is that maybe that is not. Not for a man. None of the guys I had The Weekend with would ever want me to feel that way. So I know they did nothing. The women in my kindred folk have shown me other sides of women that I have enjoyed becoming more comfortable with. I even have something of a kick-name there….’blubberbutt’….and I LOVE it! It affectionately shows me that I can be that way, and that it’s alright there. There. But being with the guys gave me a glimpse into my masculine that has taken me 50 years….and these guys, apparently….to see. 

I find it somewhat frightening….and intriguing….and mysterious….and though it scares me some, I want to explore more. I can’t wait for more events like this. And yet, right now, I have a mound on my plate. (No, they are not pierogis with flaming hot nuts in them….)

I would really love feedback on this, and insights as well. And I’m grateful that you read me. 

Men’s Mysteries

I’ve just had one heck of a week! SO many things have happened, so many things learned and shared, and also new experiences had. I know I promised to write about last weekend, and I will. But I am just home from this amazing overnight retreat with a couple of the men from my Temple, and I want to write about that now.

As a gay man, of course, I have two energies residing within my experience simultaneously. Male, and female. Having been raised with so many women around and in so much feminine energy, I understand that very well. Interaction with my family of origin has me still learning more about that…..and then time spent with my Temple mates is showing me a WHOLE other side of that! Not just with regard to the feminine aspects of Paganism, Wicca, and diety…although that is significant….but also about the experience of the human female. Now, my experiences so far in Wicca and paganism is that there is a great deal of feminine energy about it. It is populated by a vast number of women in roles of healing, teaching, diety, energy, intuition, wisdom, guidance, and onward. Coming from a strong background of Catholicism and Christianity, this is a very welcome change for me. I did not experience my first female pastor (Lutheran) until I was in my 30s, and it was wonderful. Now, conversely, with all that male-heavy influence of my particular church background, why do I only now really feel a lack of connection to my masculine side? And with regard to spirituality and diety?

Of course, I understand that being raised with so many human women around me, I can understand that more easily – and it has nothing to do with my being gay. But there was also the lack of male influence in much of my life. I’m not criticizing that…simply stating it. And one of the strongest male influences in my childhood and teen years was the man abusing me. Maybe that had something to do with the bend in the road that my journey took – again, not having to do with being gay. The point here is that I’ve long understood the influence and teaching that the women in my life have played – and I honor each and every one of them for it. Much of that results in a perceptive ‘knee-jerk’ response from comments by the male world where it regards women. As I’ve been told that I have deafness in my heart, I also have female in my heart.

However…..I have really never spent time in my male. My masculine. The part of me that is not masculine as the mundane world would have me….but masculine as the Earth and elements see me. The masculine that actually is. Not about superiority. Not about dominance. Not about sexual prowess. But about the primal essence that, as soul in a human, physical experience right now, has. The male energy of the physical experience.

I just spent 24 hours with two men who are my Temple mates. They are both half my age. They are both straight. They are both open-minded, and not stupid. (I don’t like that word.) They are attractive and in relationships. I am gay, 50, and single. And yet, there was nothing we could not talk about! There was no where we could not go, and if one or the other missed a cultural reference, it was clarified for context in the full 3 way conversation. I learned from them, and they learned a thing or two from me. Ok, so the material things….

Jeremy and I learned how to split wood for a fire. We learned it by hand ax, and by shaving wood with a smaller knife. We learned how to build a fire, either indoors, or out, and without benefit of a lighter, any fluid, treated log, etc…we learned how to shave a log for kindling, and then split down some wood pieces to help build the pyramid formation to help a fire grow and sustain. And then when it began to dwindle, we learned how to stack more wood either for the purpose of building it up again, or maintaining it on a ‘low flame’. Even learned how to prep a fire to help keep it sustained during sleep so that it would provide warmth. And we learned how to make pirogi from scratch! Mark taught us these things, and it was awesome and hilarious!!

What else did I learn? For the first time in forty years or so (excepted a bit by my first husband), I was able to have conversation and ribald comedy about the physical, about sexuality, about the male body…with STRAIGHT men! The jokes were like it was not about orientation…it was just about recognition of the male body and it’s responses. I shared about my experiences from last weekend’s ecstatic ritual, which included a physical response from my body to both male and female, and yet it had – has – nothing to do with sex. The jokes about my flamin’ hot nuts in Jeremy’s mouth (Frito-Lay)….or about Mark’s long slow blows (re-starting the fire)….and of course the occasional joke about size and performance and such. I made a comment about how few gay friends I have that I can have these talks and banters with , and they both said that it’s because this is how all men talk. (What?!?!) Wow…..I had not experienced that so openly before – I mean with regard to which side of the fence the joke came from. These guys were not afraid, and neither was I. Then there was the brief conversation about body hair – or lack thereof – and it’s connection to our heritages. We cooked together, talking all the time.

It was interesting that the first thing we did was light the first fire in the fireplace, and Mark taught us. And we hovered around that fireplace…as many gravitate to the kitchen. We weren’t even sitting…we had not gathered chairs yet. But we stood around the lit fireplace and talked. And talked. And then we had a lesson in splitting wood. And then we came back in and talked some more. And then we started to make food…which took a while…always talking. Talking about sexuality. Talking about spirituality. Talking about lessons. And all the while, not always agreeing. But we always had respect about that. And the more we talked and bantered and joked and cooked together, the more I started to feel a connection to something…some feeling. The wood of the cabin. The cooking by the seat of our pants because we did not have each implement that would have helped, but we made it work. My watch came off shortly after we got there. Looking forward to being with these men outside in the night of the full moon. 

As a gay man, I am finding it difficult as I am writing this to explain more of what I mean. So let’s try this. When we went out to the firepit for  ceremony…with that hugely full moon above us….Jeremy and I were challenged wonderfully by Mark to cut the wood and build the fire. And we did well….but not so much in the lighting of the fire. But alas….we together created a great fire! And we had a short but meaningful ceremony around that fire that we had built. In that ceremony, under the full moon light of my diety, Diana, we ended up focusing more on who’s light reflects off of the beautiful moon….the light of the Sun Lord. And we had our fire. And Mark spoke of the hunt….the search of what we wanted next, and the hunt to gain that thing, and upon gaining that thing, preparation for the next hunt. Not that men are the only hunter-gatherers…but we were connecting to a primal feeling of the want, and the need, and the what-to-do-about-it, and the doing and the gaining and the achieving….and the firepit held and radiated to us that fire of gaining and achieving and accomplishment. And it was amazing. And I had not stood that tall for a few days. And I felt a sense and a stirring that I don’t know if I have ever felt. But regardless, I felt it that night. And I think it is really important for me to connect more what that masculine side of me….to understand it, and to understand then how it will be a part of my path, and my teaching.

I don’t know that I have very well conveyed the sense of the start of the connection to my male side….aside from the sexual….that has begun. I cooked with straight men…..I talked deeply with men….I ceremonied with men….I talked body and sex with men…..I shared energy with men. And I felt something different….and amazing. And I’m so grateful!

>>Please respond to this post as you feel led….I’d love to hear from you all! <<

…post weekend workshop….

Just a quick post here….the weekend workshop with Janet Farrar and Gavin Bone was so very intensive. Completely wonderful, emotional, lots of information, ecstatic, …. oh, so many adjectives! I will be posting more this week based on this, so keep in touch!

Aligning with others

I can’t believe I’m starting this blog at 134am, but here goes.

I have been interacting with people recently with a newly developing sense of my energy, the energy of others, and how they themselves interact. There are a few interesting things that I am observing about this process. One would be the different ways that we can interact with each other energetically. Another would be the sensation of those interactions. One more would be the results of those interactions. Today alone, I had the wonderful opportunity of interacting with people that I know well and love, with others that I am still getting to know, and at least one relatively new one. But also, I have the chance to experience interaction with strangers just walking down the street every day.

I experience friendships as well as much shorter relationships every day, and in various forms. One of my favorite ones is live and in person. As that tends to be challenging due to the logistical nature of those connections, another is Facebook. As time goes along, I hope that this blog becomes more of another. I am one of those folks that has actually met people on Facebook through other friends of mine in there, and have actually struck up an honest-to-goodness relationship – even though I have never met them in person yet. I have other friends that I have known for a while that I am connected with in there who tend to challenge me. Regardless of how we know each other and how we get to experience our relationship, I feel it energetically. I can sense a person’s energy when in their presence, and I can also sense the energy or a message posted online, popped up on my screen, and read. In either situation, I have definite reactions to that energy.

In person, there are many times that another person’s energy and mine resonate well with each other. This usually feels like a very comfortable sensation with that person, a sense of relaxation and ease with that person. Other times, we may come across someone that we have just met, or just passed on the street even, and we can feel a sense of foreboding, of ‘I need to be away from you’. I think many of us are familiar with this without admitting it…which is just fine. The interesting thing about it is that it is in our best interest to learn how to maintain our own energy without being so directly affected by someone else’s. Even more interesting to someone like me is when I can feel one’s energy either over the phone, or especially from the computer screen. Depending on what is being expressed on social sites, I can either really melt into the post or response, or I have actually, physically, recoiled from my screen because of what someone has posted and the way they have expressed it. It’s pretty amazing.

What becomes interesting about these interactions are the potential results of them. What I observe most often is the shifting and moving around of relationships. In one way, it can be about the way I feel about myself one day that affects my saying hello to the train operator, to the person selling Streetwise, to the check out person at the store. And when I am able to share a bright greeting, even for a moment, it helps my energy. Among colleagues and friends, I have observed the shifting and shaping of the relationships based on so many factors…but I think timing and the relationship between the energies of the people has a lot to do with it. People tend to move in and out of each others’ lives. I believe this is based on not only common denominators, but also the energetic relationship with people. Someone might be a great friend for a space of time, and then the people move apart. Others – like myself – meet people of a 2 decade difference in age and resonate profoundly. Some people meet and hit it off immediately. And of those, some will remain that for the rest of the lifetime, while others may start that way, and then end up a few years later not so close.

I believe that these attractions and changes are associated with both the connections and agreements between the two souls, and the response of one person’s energy with another’s. Many times, it is just fine (defined how, I don’t know), and other times, people just don’t feel good or right around another. And so as our lives go along, relationships shift and change. I’ve seen it with my work colleagues, I have seen it in friends (those of time spans of 20+ years deciding to end it), and I’ve seen it in my family of origin. These shifts happen all the time. It is all happening as it is meant to. As it was agreed upon. As is perfectly needed for the highest good of the person/people involved.

So yes, relationships go along and change and improve and end. People come into our lives, and they drift out of it. And in all of them, there has been a point to it. I find that a much easier way to deal with such things than fighting with them to find a reason for it. My sister has for now drifted apart from me. I don’t feel as though I want to be with her right now either. Our energies are not compatible at this time….we don’t vibrate at the same frequency. And that’s alright. It is as it is meant to be. We are not an energetic match for each other right now….may be never again. I don’t know that. But just knowing that this is the issue and that it is for a purpose, I am fine it.

So yes, it has been amazing to see this aspect of relationships, and their ebb and flow. I’d love to know how you feel about these thoughts. Please feel free to share them, and whether or not you are able to, Love and Light to you all.

Being happier with myself

Greetings! This post will likely be a bit shorter because it is actually a question from me that I really want to hear from you all about. I was just talking with my friend Lynn about this yesterday, so here goes.

My journey of the last couple of years is fairly clear in this blog. Much of this journey has involved a lot more time in a lot of happiness. And here starts the loop. I find that I have a hard time understanding how to be in that happiness….in that elevated energy….here at home by myself. Out in public, I can share it….I greet the public transit operators and customer service folks that I meet. But just being here by myself at home and feeling very happy and full of love…and no one to share it with….I just don’t get it. And that gets me thinking about how no one is around to share it with, usually during those times when people actually are busy that evening or weekend or whenever. And I still end up going back to the familiar drama…and the loop continues. I spend time back in the doldrums until I loop back around to the joy.

It seems that I am such the sharer that I don’t know how to share it just with myself. Does this make sense? I don’t know how to be still here and enjoying it without exchanging it with a loved one…or even a stranger who has questions on their own journey. You know that feeling when you meet someone that you feel a special ‘click’ with, and you can’t wait to get home and tell your friends about it? That’s the one. That’s the kind of thing I’m talking about. That want to share it with someone else. There’s that word again…’share’.

And so there is my question to you all. How do you folks enjoy these beautiful moments of happiness, love, and joy when you can’t share it with another person? Or maybe a better way to ask this is how do you do it successfully? In a healthy manner? Just sitting quietly and being happy?

I really do want to hear from as many of you as possible. I’d like to hear, no matter how ‘silly’ you may think it sounds, or whether you think it makes sense or not. The one thing I would ask is that responses do not wander into the realm of adult audiences….I understand about that, and that is not what I’m asking here. Aside from that, feel free to start typing below, and I look forward to hearing your thoughts.

Love and Light, everyone!